Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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