You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize