oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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