I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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