im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
