you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize