I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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