All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
