Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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