I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
