I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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