after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
