Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
