the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
