i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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