She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
