Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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