your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
