8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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