the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
