I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Congratulations! We have a period
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