Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My penis needs a shock collar
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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