So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
