why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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