Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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