just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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