she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
