Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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