I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
