Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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