Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
