I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
