hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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