the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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