this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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