I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
