I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
