sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Sorry my hands just texted you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
