Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
