She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
