It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
