I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i would punch a child for taco bell
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
