I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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