I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
