I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize