Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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