Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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