i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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