How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am one with the molecules
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
