he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
