If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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