remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize