She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
