i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
