I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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