Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
