you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
