no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
