chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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