I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
