So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
