my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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