I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
