just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
