I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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