He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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