Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
